Friday, August 1, 2014

That's me! 

Every day i live my life looking like this. I try and look cute, but it is quite often hard when my clothing size and wallet are both on a budget of sorts. The top I'm wearing there is a XL, the tank beneath it a XXL in Juniors and the pants are a size 18. This isn't horrible, and maybe I don't look like it at all in this picture but it makes me FEEL horrible. I know my face is a little blurry, forgive me for that, my phone camera is quite awful. I'm hoping to upgrade soon to something that actually takes halfway decent photos. ANYWAY!

So here I am currently weighing in at 219lbs. While I'm not proud to say that, I'm not going to be ashamed anymore of what I weigh or who I am. I recently read a story on Facebook that said something about a mother who's child took a picture of her lying in her bathing suit on the beach. The mother was horrified of her body and couldn't understand why the child would take such an awful photo. The child looked at the mother and said something along the lines of "because you're beautiful." This made the mother try and see what her child saw in her, a beautiful woman. 

That's what I want. I want to be able to look at my body in its entirety and say "I'm  beautiful." 
 Once I'm able to say "I'm beautiful" to myself, the next step will be to say "I'm healthy." That's the one thing I want more than anything in the world is to be able to look at myself in the mirror, and say I'm healthy and I am beautiful. 

I don't want to be a size 2, heck I think my hips bones are prominently wide so that shouldn't be an issue. The perfect size TO ME, would be a size 12. If I could fit in to a size 12 I feel that I would be a healthy size and still have a little bit of meat on my bones. Don't get me wrong if when I reach my goal weight of 145 and I fit in to something smaller than a size 12, I won't complain. I am simply stating I want to be healthy, not look bulimic. 

So there I am. A BEAUTIFUL woman at 218 lbs that is trying her hardest to find her true self inside the body that she's used as an armor for so long. That's me, and I am changing.

I will go through a metamorphosis and become the beautiful elegant woman I have always been. 

I will be Mary O'Malley.

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